The no-contact rule is one of the most confusing topics since people mess it up all the time but I’m here to give you clarity on how to stay the course and stick to the process
The no contact rule has many different forms that people have added to it along the way
Examples are
The 30,60,90 day no contact rule where adding a specific amount of days to the no contact rule
Then people will ask what about radio silence? what about if I talk to their family?
Simply put, no contact means NO CONTACT
No contact is effective though. I’ve personally seen it work a number of times with my coaching students
THIS POST HAS ONGOING UPDATES. I WILL CONTINUE TO WRITE TO THIS SUPER POST UNTIL ITS DONE
What Is The No Contact Rule?
The no contact rule is a period of time where you don’t reach out to your ex.
The point of doing this is for a couple of reasons
You stop making mistakes that make you look more unattractive
You focus on the issues you do have and fix them
You heal from all the pain and you look back with a fresh perspective
Many people think getting their ex back is the only thing they have to worry about but you actually have to worry about a few more things.
You have to understand how to KEEP them!
continue on!
I’ve coached thousands of students through email and phone sessions and many of them do have an opportunity to get their exes back at some point. The re-attraction process is extremely fragile and easy to mess up.
Getting an ex back needs to have a beginning point and an endpoint. You need to think of this as a re-awakening. There is a REASON why you got to the position you’re in. Many people don’t learn unless they feel the direct pain of life.
This is the chance for you to learn and change for the better as an individual.
This article is for anyone that is going to try to get someone back in their life. yes, I understand my website is called masculine energy but the breakup concepts remain the same in terms of what HUMANS react to.
What is this article about and who is it for?
I deal with relationship issues from all kinds of people. Different religions, creeds, opinions, and beliefs. Gay relationships and transgender relationships.
I’m going to break this up into steps so you can follow along easily.
Before I start though. I understand what you’re going through. I have personally been there a few times and i help people through it every single day.
The emotional dial is turned way up to 11 and you feel like your entire life is upside down. I understand that you’re hurting and you don’t really know what to do from hour to hour with yourself.
I will tell you what i tell my coaching students to do post-breakup so you have something to do than sit around any wonder if they will come back or not.
Step 1: No contact Rules. (some common mistakes)
No amount of chasing is going to get your ex to change their mind. especially if your ex is a woman. Try to negotiate with someone who is not emotionally invested in you anymore. it’s damn near impossible.
The advice you’re about to hear me tell you is completely against human nature.
Your gut is telling you to chase them. Tell them how you feel. Tell them they’re making a big mistake. Tell them that we spent years together and we shouldn’t just throw it away!
I’m here to tell you the person that left you has been thinking about this for quite some time now. It could be weeks, months, or even years.
You are getting the initial shock of it right now because it most likely blindsided you and you are looking to THEM for answers.
This is why you chase. you want to soothe your pain. I understand it.
During this emotional phase, you will have MAJOR ups and downs. you need to remember this. Which is going to be hard when you’re emotional.
When you’re emotional about a situation you will seek external sources to soothe your pain which is the wrong way to think about it. especially since your ex will be the person you want to soothe your pain from.
Another huge mistake is thinking about going out and dating really early. I’ll go more into that later but dating while dealing with an ex and all the pain that comes with it is not the right thing to do.
You will subconsciously choose to apply certain things you did with your ex to them.
I once dated a girl who couldn’t stop talking about her ex. She mentioned him all the time. You can guess what happened to that relationship.
Stay away from alcohol!
I have an option in my coaching where people can pay a monthly fee to have access to me and one of the most POPULAR reasons people screw up no contact is because of alcohol!
I have seen a long streak of no contact get ended because of alcohol. Not that the amount of time matters really because I have seen people come back after a year.
Just don’t drink right now. Alcohol will make you feel better for a few hours and then it all comes flooding back. Don’t add to that flood by doing something stupid.
I’ve seen the dumper say things that were just totally inappropriate, and any chance they might have had is now gone.
Begging won’t change their mind.
I’ve seen people use this tactic. Trying to induce pity from their ex. Pity won’t fix the core issue in the relationship.
A relationship stays together because two people choose to stay that way. A loss of attraction is the usual reason why people will walk away from a partner.
Begging will make them even more clear about their decision to leave you. It makes you look weak and needy, and nobody wants to be with a needy person
again movies, music, and TV shows have been telling you that if you act a certain way, it will work.
I call this the Disney lens
this is why you think you can reason with them to see the error of their ways and why they shouldn’t leave you.
The Disney lens will fool you into thinking that telling them how you feel will change their mind. ( i know I’m repeating myself, but i want to nail this point home for you)
It doesn’t change minds. I’ve personally tried it in the past, and I’ve seen my clients do it, and it NEVER works. They might take you back for a few weeks because they feel bad, but it will feel forced.
Let’s talk about the word force
I get many questions from my coaching students, and in one form or another, they are trying to force their ex to see a certain perspective.
As the dumped, that perspective is you should stay together.
I will get questions like ” how can I get her to think about me more” and “How can I get her to change her mind”
Instead of thinking about ” how can I attract them back into my life?”
This mindset shift will change everything for you, but I will dive deeper into this later.
Don’t let them take advantage of you during this phase
Your ex holds all the power. They know that you want them back, so they might make impossible demands of you. They are experiencing something I call “Dumpers confidence”
This just means they think they can get you back at any time, and they will sometimes jerk you around because they know this.
This is why pulling your energy back and focusing it on your own goals and purpose in life will help you during the breakup process.
Getting them to come back has a lot to do with respect. They need to respect you, and if you don’t respect yourself, how can they respect you?
when I’m dealing with clients, they constantly do things that will turn the other person off more and more.
Something you have to understand is there are two actions,
attractive actions (which is sometimes just doing nothing)
and unattractive actions
Usually, the reason the breakup happened is because of too much negativity in some shape or form
just stopping the behaviour alone can help bring attraction back up
People tend to think of people in the past through rose-coloured glasses. Which really just means they forget about your faults. Actually, it does not really forget it’s just the emotional intensity has come down
Do not send them flowers, text bombs, and affection
Remember something for me
They discarded you!
don’t forget that. Like I said earlier, I understand that you want them back and you’re looking to them for answers. They don’t have any. So you might as well look as attractive as possible by not chasing them. They need space from you
They know you love them, so there’s no point in trying to show them
From my experience, showering them will actually make them feel trapped. Especially women. They will back away quickly because women need to feel safe when interacting with a woman.
If your ex is dating other people
One major mistake I see people making is freaking out and doing stupid things to hurt others because they’re now putting themselves out there.
They’re doing this because they have already checked out of the relationship far before they actually decided to leave you. Most people can’t handle being alone for an extended period of time, so they will entertain the idea of something while they’re away from you
I’ve seen this happen, and I will tell you that most rebound relationships don’t work out. They fail because the underlying issues with the previous relationship haven’t been solved yet.
keeping your emotions under control during this time is crucial for you to get any kind of respect back
Now you may be wondering… Why should I take someone back that doesn’t want me? why should I be trying to earn someone back and get someone’s respect back that doesn’t want me?
that is an excellent question, and it is one you should consider
For this blog post, I will stick to the whole Ex back plan and idea for now, and I will make a blog post about the idea of “should you take them back or not”
Just remember rebound relationships don’t really work out that often and you will most likely have a chance to make things work again
it will take more time than you think for them to start considering coming back. Most people apply their own timelines to things, their own expectations. You have to be PROCESSED-focused and not end-goal-focused when getting an ex back.
Dating other people yourself and sleeping around
Many people will jump on a dating app and start trying to sleep around or even begin dating. I mentioned this earlier, but it’s important
so many people think, “My ex is running around sleeping with other people why can’t I do it”
it’s a valid question. You must try to take the high road as often as possible. Most of the time, they will regret sleeping around even if they don’t openly admit it to you later. You will also regret it as well.
Many of my long-term coaching students have done this, and almost all of them regret it. Sometimes you meet someone looking for something serious, and you hurt them.
Sometimes you can catch a disease. Sometimes you end up doing or saying something to the new people you’re hanging around because you’re emotional. Things that make you look weak and not equipped for a relationship.
Please take my advice and just stick to being by yourself. Reflection and healing are the best medicine.
Let’s talk about anger.
It’s completely normal for you to be angry with your ex for wanting to break up with you.
You’ve spent a lot of time together (some of you many years and maybe even decades).
What you need to understand is that if you act out of pocket, they will think they made the right decision. Many people who are in a relationship fight.
A relationship comes to an end because of negativity (most of the time), so you don’t want to invite more of that into their lives.
You want to be a force of positivity and strength. I don’t want you to be there for them or anything like that (more on that later). All I’m saying is don’t act weak and needy by saying or doing things that you will regret.
They know how they feel about you, and they know they need to back away and take space and time. If you get all mad and start bombarding them with messages, calls, and showing up at their place of work, then it’s just going to make them think they made the right decision.
I want you to think of this every time you interact with your ex ” is what I’m about to do or say going to make me look attractive? or unattractive”
If you’re unsure, book a session with me
Negative energy will just bring more negative energy. Even though they might be acting immature, you have to take the high road repeatedly.
Not only do you have to deal with this breakup with strength but also their ongoing behaviour towards you.
You will not agree with their decisions.
You guys might have been together for a long time. You will see them make certain choices and decisions you will not agree with.
Clubbing and partying is one.
This is common, especially in younger relationships. You might catch your ex partying after the breakup. They’re doing this because they are in the relief stage of the breakup
There will be a post about the stages of no contact and breakups I will write later.
Your ex is just living life. You will almost see it as a personal attack on you (at least it will feel that way)
during my coaching, I have heard many guys say, “I’m really disappointed in her right now, she shouldn’t be acting like this” (I coach more men than women, so I’m using that as my example)
You can disagree all you want, but it’s not going to help you to resist what’s going on. You have to accept what’s going on.
Take a look at this chart.
This chart is basically how I live my life. To be honest, it’s something that takes years of practice to use. This chart is from the work of David Hawkins.
He has many books, and many of them centred around god and such, but if you take a look at the lessons inside, they EASILY apply to most people.
I will do a separate blog post on this chart with all the books I’ve read so far and how to use this chart effectively.
What I want you to understand right now is that people going through a breakup are living in fear and grief. They are actually experiencing most of the bottom emotions.
when you first met your ex, you were most likely running around through life in the blue and purple areas
This is when you’re the most attractive.
Attraction is the number one thing you need to understand here. Love and attraction are completely intertwined
when the attraction fades, love will follow quickly
The Disney lens will have you thinking that if you confess your undying love to the other person, they will love you back, but this is just a projection
NO contact will help remove you from this projection. It will help stop the simp behaviour.
My definition of simple is this
“an unfair exchange of value”
Now, normally when someone gets dumped, they will put their ex on a pedestal. They will think they are 10x better than they really are. You will forget their faults while they are only thinking of all of yours. \
You will never know what your ex is thinking at all times. When they start trying to come back, then you will know.
it’s a very binary thing to do. They will either not be coming back, or they will be.
How they do it isn’t as obvious, so I will have a different post about that.
Your brain is trying to figure out how NOT to lose them forever, and your emotions are driving that force forward. Do not lose control of your emotions just because they are living their lives.
Starting no contact and maintaining it
No contact is exactly that. NO CONTACT. Now I want to say this right now. If they do reach out to you, DO NOT ignore them.
Many people do this, and it’s a mistake. I know why it’s so easy to make because people think they need to do no contact forever.
How exactly would you get back together with someone if you ignored them completely?
You have to remain stoic and relaxed when they do reach out to you, but I’ll help you with this later on.
When you first get dumped, you want to let them go. You want to give them the breakup!
I know it’s completely counter-intuitive, but that’s what you need to do.
If you’ve messed this up, then you need to start right away.
Chasing will just screw you up!
one thing I see people do is to get all bent out of shape because they didn’t know about no contact.
It’s not really a big deal. You just need to know that chasing won’t work at all, so stop doing it right away.
They love the attention no matter what, so when you stop texting, calling, liking their photos, etc, they might put up a fuss about it because you’re taking your power back.
That’s what this is really all about. Taking back your strength and power
I am willing to bet that some of the reasoning behind the breakup is on them, too… however since they are the ones that left, they have all the power. That’s just how it works until you realize your attention is the currency
One thing about a bad breakup is you will realize how much individual work you need to do and the lessons that come with that. Some people really need to work on their communication skills
Some people need to learn how to set boundaries
No contact is the ultimate test of your strength.
REMEMBER THIS
You will have HARSH ups and downs during the no contact period. it will pass.
No contact turns down the emotional dial and helps them remember the good memories.
No contact is not a magic pill, but it will help them remember why they were with you in the first place. They will have time to themselves to think about you. There are certain stages of no contact, but ultimately they will eventually miss you at some point
Now I don’t want to give you false hope either. I don’t want you sitting around waiting for them because no contact is a powerful tool.
You must begin to live your life again. I would take time to heal and start going out with my friends and family.
START THE GYM AGAIN!
on the topic of friends and family, THEY GIVE AWFUL ADVICE!
I have literally coached people and told them NOT to listen to family members, and when they do, they screw up the whole situation.
They will usually say things like
“Just tell them how you feel!”
” oh, she’s just going through a phase”
“just be her friend”
ALL CRAP!
People who love you and see a future together are NOT dumping you. They will work to keep you there, not push you away
Your ex needs to know and feel what it’s like being without you. Do not remain friends with them. Do not tell them it’s okay to contact you while they “figure themselves out” NO.
You must back away and remain silent
after all, silence is power!
How to tell them you’re going no contact
You just start it. When they break up with you, they will expect things to be weird. Sometimes your ex will reach out to you daily and bug you. This can be misinterpreted as a change of heart.
You need to be stone-cold about this until they realize they need to be a certain way to get you back.
A lot of the time, respect has dropped along with attraction. Respect and attraction come before love.
They need to respect you as a partner and even want to be with you. Over the course of a long-term relationship, if they were able to treat you poorly and you put up with it, they won’t respect you
Chasing will also make them lose respect as well.
Us humans know that we should respect ourselves. It’s in our programming. That’s why when people are needy, it turns us off.
How long do I do no contact?
This is going to be a personal opinion I’ve developed over the past few years
But basically, you want to be doing it indefinitely. Here’s why!
The idea of getting back together needs to be theirs. Not yours. When you place some sort of date on it then you will place expectations on them. You have no idea when they will contact you or try to make things work with you
COACH TIP/THOUGHT
i have been coaching for 5 years now. I have seen situations where the ex will contact you OUT OF THE BLUE. Some people will slowly work their way back in but some will just text you and bam they’re back in your life again.
You will hear things like do no contact for 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, etc
When my students bring that up, I say, ” OK, after 30 days, then what?” you reach out. hell Nah!
They need to come to you!
One of the stages I was talking about earlier is a relief. This is the first stage of no contact. They will be relieved to take space and back off from the relationship.
This is when you will see them having fun and partying.
I have seen an ex come back after a week of no contact, and I’ve seen an ex come back after a full year. I have some of my students on a monthly coaching basis, and I do teach them how to make money online, so this is how I hear about it.
During this time, you need to get yourself together and work on yourself. Your confidence will be at its lowest right now (another reason why dating is a bad idea right now)
Struggling with no contact
it’s no secret that no contact is hard to do. No contact is the hardest thing to do during a breakup, especially if you’re an anxious person.
There is a study out there about attachment theory out there
The basic idea is the more anxious someone is, the harder the breakup is going to be.
The more secure someone is, the easier it’s going to be.
In my coaching, I talk heavily about abundance and having an abundant mindset. We focus on money and understanding the opposite sex (depending on who I’m coaching). Having a healthy body, etc.
People get stuck during a breakup. They are so identified with the other person they literally don’t know who they are anymore.
During your breakup, you need to focus on becoming who you want to become. Developing new goals to reach and actually hitting those goals
Many of my students lose between 15 to 30 pounds post-breakup. We get laser focused.
I would invite you to do the same. Hit the gym every day. Hell, you can even go twice. Just do it daily.
eventually, the goal is to realize, just as I did you never needed your ex to be happy.
They are a compliment to your life, not the focus.
So if you’re seriously struggling with no contact, just understand that it’s normal and refocus on small daily goals and achieving them.
Also, be sure to check out my book list too. I highly recommend reading during this time since you will pick up on things you might not have known about before.
What to do if your ex texts or calls you
If you get a text or call from your ex you do need to respond to it but make sure you give it time. You want them to be thinking that you’re busy living your life.
I know you will want to respond immediately and let them know how much you’ve been thinking about them.
The best thing to do is remain chill and relaxed.
if they get mad at you for not responding, that is their problem. They walked away from you. Treat yourself with respect.
You shouldn’t bring up the relationship and simply just ask what they want
If they continue to message you and they really don’t have anything important to say, then make sure each time they message you it takes longer to get a response from you.
Remember you need to think of yourself as high value. You should be working on yourself, so you’re out in the world interacting with people. Friends and Family!
I remember during my breakup, I didn’t want to see anybody. I just wanted to wallow in my misery
I understand to be quite honest, that you should take that time to yourself, but I will also say this. I met some fantastic people when I was just out with my friends. People that I’m still in touch with today. You really never know who you’re going to meet.
The golden rule to remember is if you do respond to their messages, remain neutral and calm as much as possible.
One question I get from my students a lot is will my ex forget about me during no contact, and the answer is not right away.
That’s why if you ignore your ex, eventually, they will move on. They will assume you’re done with them and move on.
I’ve personally done no contact 3 different times. Each time was different, but each time it worked. I never went back to any of my exes when they tried. I always met new women.
All that being said, I help students get their exes back all the time.
shorter relationships and no contact
No contact rule will work on shorter relationships, but it’s less effective. See, it’s all about strength at the end of the day. We are attracted to strength.
What if I live with my ex with no contact?
if you live with your ex, it’s going to be much harder to create the space needed for no contact to work as it should
You should focus on moving out for now.
The best way to do it is to let your ex know that you will take time away from them because of the breakup. They might even do the same thing.
If you absolutely can’t move out, then I would suggest you SEVERELY limit contact as much as possible. Get away from them as long as you can and as much as you can
They will have some comfort knowing you will be home, so a little tip is if you can spend nights away once in a while, do it. They will wonder where you’ve been.
Do yourself a favour and get busy!
Step #3 – Who do you want to become??
I know this might seem strange to put here because your mind is focused on getting your ex back and just that.
My coaching students have one major thing in common.
Their breakup usually stems from one of two things. Complacency and/or insecurity
When I listen to their problems, a lot of the same themes come up.
Complacency is a major one that the guys I coach suffer from.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard, ” Hey kyle, I started hanging out with my friends again,” “I lost x amount of weight since the breakup,” ” I started a new business since the breakup,” “I’ve been hitting the gym every day” I can go on and on
Now my question to these guys is “why did you stop doing all these things??”
The guys never really have a good answer. It usually comes back to the fact that the guys stopped doing what they did in the beginning, to keep the woman attracted.
there are other reasons that breakups happen, but this is a major one.
Death by 1000 cuts
This is when a relationship loses its polarity because she realizes she can control her man.
See, women in a relationship will test their men over time. They want to test their strength to ensure they are the strong men they think they are.
Some of those tests will come in the form of “I really wish you didn’t hang out with those friends as much as you do” or “I really want you to stop going to the gym so much and spend more time with me” again this list could be its own blog post
In a relationship, you have to maintain your own individuality. It’s important for the polarity of the relationship.
Men will usually get some sort of test from their women, and because tons of guys are pleasers, they will try to make their women happy. Which, to a degree, is okay, but not at the sacrifice of your life.
Compromising sometimes is fine but don’t completely give it up!
This is important to becoming who you need to be because when you’re in a relationship, you can’t lose that! you can’t lose that part of you that matters to you!
You have to live your life with strict intentions. Many guys get a taste of this when they get back in the gym. Lots of guys want to get ripped so they can look good to get back at their ex
That is the intention!
But many guys lose that intention once the emotion calms down. If you can continue this post-breakup, you will become unstoppable.
After I introduce the rule of intention to my students, they understand how much more they can do on a daily basis.
You should be proud of the individual life you have. Eventually, you will realize that a relationship is just part of your life. Not your focus. Your focus should be on your own life and making yourself happy. What do you love to do every day??
Make some changes to your looks
During the no-contact period, you will have some time to focus on new things. One of those things should be how you look. being in great shape will bring confidence like nothing else.
When you’re in great shape too, you can have more fashion options. Women love a man that can look good and dress well. Women also love a man who is in good shape.
Ladies men love women who are in great shape as well. Men are very visual, so if you want to keep your man fixated on you, try to get in great shape. Plus, it’s something that you can control!
to be continued…
Here is some food for thought and some FAQs that I get as a coach
I get a lot of questions from my students, and they are really just asking the same question in a bunch of different ways.
One of those is, “Will my ex come back?”
That’s what people really want to know. They will ask that question in the most intricate ways because they know deep down inside that it’s an impossible answer
I have another post on the signs they will come back here
Your ex will come back when they think it’s a good idea to do so. If they don’t know where they stand with you or what you’ve been up to, they will begin to wonder. They will also wonder why you didn’t chase.
Remember the whole idea of dumpers’ confidence!
I ignored and neglected my ex will no contact work?
60-day no-contact rule
Some other dating coaches out there will tell you about these protocols. 30-day, 60-day and 90-day no-contact events.
It’s all bullshit. Some of them are trying to give you a false sense of confidence. Here’s what happens when you do these timed events of no contact.
let’s say you do 60 days of no contact. The first thing is you delay the letting go and healing process by 60 days. The second thing is you have this automatic idea in your head that its okay to reach out after 60 days of no contact. So many of my clients have done this and the women are surprised but not enough time has gone by.
