“He gets defensive when I tell him how I feel” – 10 tips that could navigate this situation!!!

It can be frustrating and discouraging when someone you care about becomes or gets defensive when you try to express your feelings to them.

He gets defensive? Here are ten tips that may help you navigate this situation:

1) Choose the right time and place to talk.

Make sure the environment is conducive to an open and honest conversation, and that both of you have enough time to talk without feeling rushed or distracted.

Choosing the right time and place to talk is important for effective communication and ensuring that your message is received in the way that you intend it to be. Here are some factors to consider when choosing the right time and place to talk:

1. Timing: Think about the other person’s schedule and availability. Make sure that they are not busy or preoccupied with other tasks when you approach them.
2. Privacy: Choose a place where you can talk without being overheard or interrupted by others. This can help to create a comfortable and safe space for both parties to speak openly and honestly.
3. Distractions: Avoid places that are noisy or have a lot of distractions. This can make it difficult for both parties to concentrate and understand each other.
4. Context: Consider the nature of the conversation and the relationship between the parties involved. For example, a serious conversation about a personal issue might be better in a private setting, while a casual conversation about work-related matters might be fine in a more public setting.
5. Emotional state: Consider the emotional state of both parties. If one party is upset or angry, it might be best to wait until they are calmer before approaching them.

2) Use “I” statements: Instead of blaming or accusing your partner, use “I” statements to express your own feelings and needs.

For example, say “I feel hurt when you do/say ______” instead of “You always ______.”

Using “I” statements is an effective way to communicate your thoughts and feelings without placing blame or making accusations. By using “I” statements, you take responsibility for your own emotions and make it clear that you are expressing your own perspective rather than making assumptions about the other person.

Here are some examples of how to use “I” statements:

Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” you could say, “I feel frustrated when I don’t feel heard.”

Instead of saying, “You always leave your things lying around,” you could say, “I feel overwhelmed when the house is cluttered.”

Instead of saying, “You’re so selfish,” you could say, “I feel hurt when my needs are not taken into consideration.”

By using “I” statements, you can communicate your needs and feelings in a way that is more likely to be received positively by your partner. It can also help to prevent defensiveness and encourage open and honest communication. Remember to be specific about your feelings and needs, and to avoid making assumptions or judgments about the other person.

3) Be specific.

Avoid generalizations and provide specific examples of the behavior or situation that is causing you to feel defensive.

Being specific is an important part of effective communication. When you’re specific, you are providing clear and detailed information that helps to clarify your message and reduce the likelihood of miscommunication.

Here are some tips for being specific in your communication:

1. Use concrete examples: Rather than making general statements, use specific examples to illustrate your point. This helps to make your message more tangible and easier to understand.
2. Avoid vague language: Phrases like “a little,” “sometime,” or “something” can be ambiguous and open to interpretation. Instead, use specific language to describe what you mean.
3. Provide details: If you’re giving instructions or making a request, be specific about what you want. For example, instead of saying “clean the kitchen,” say “wash the dishes, wipe down the counters, and sweep the floor.”
4. Clarify your meaning: If you’re unsure whether the other person understands what you’re saying, ask them to repeat what they heard. This gives you the opportunity to clarify any misunderstandings.
5. Stay focused: Stick to the topic at hand and avoid tangents or unrelated information. This helps to keep the conversation on track and avoid confusion.

Being specific can take practice, but it’s an important skill to develop in order to communicate effectively. By being clear and concise, you can help ensure that your message is received in the way that you intend it to be.

4) Stay calm and non-judgmental.

Avoid getting angry or accusatory, which can make your partner feel attacked and defensive. Try to stay calm and non-judgmental, and listen to their perspective as well.

Staying calm and non-judgmental is important for effective communication, particularly in difficult or emotionally charged situations. When you remain calm, you are better able to think clearly and express yourself in a rational manner, which can help to deescalate the situation and promote a productive dialogue. When you’re non-judgmental, you’re able to avoid criticizing or blaming the other person, which can help them feel more open to hearing your perspective.

Here are some tips for staying calm and non-judgmental in communication:

1. Take a deep breath: If you’re feeling overwhelmed or emotional, taking a deep breath can help you to calm down and refocus your thoughts.
2. Listen actively: When the other person is speaking, listen actively and try to understand their perspective. This can help to reduce defensiveness and encourage a more open and collaborative conversation.
3. Avoid making assumptions: Try to avoid assuming that you know what the other person is thinking or feeling. Instead, ask questions to clarify their perspective and to show that you are genuinely interested in understanding their point of view.
4. Use “I” statements: As mentioned earlier, using “I” statements can help you to express your thoughts and feelings without placing blame or making accusations.
5. Take a break if necessary: If the conversation becomes too emotionally charged, it can be helpful to take a break and come back to it later when you’re feeling calmer and more level-headed.

By staying calm and non-judgmental, you can help to create a safe and productive space for communication, even in difficult situations. It can also help to build trust and strengthen relationships over time.

5) Practice active listening.

Listen to your partner’s point of view and repeat back what they have said to make sure you have understood them correctly.

Active listening is an essential part of effective communication, as it helps to promote understanding and connection between people. When you practice active listening, you are fully engaged in the conversation, paying attention to what the other person is saying, and trying to understand their perspective.

Here are some tips for practicing active listening:

1. Give your full attention: When you’re in a conversation, try to give the other person your full attention. Put away distractions, like your phone, and focus on what the other person is saying.
2. Listen without judgment: Avoid interrupting the other person or jumping to conclusions about what they’re saying. Instead, listen with an open mind and try to understand their perspective.
3. Show that you’re listening: Use nonverbal cues, like eye contact and nodding, to show that you’re listening and engaged in the conversation.
4. Reflect back what you’ve heard: After the other person has finished speaking, reflect back what you’ve heard to ensure that you’ve understood their perspective correctly. This can also help to show the other person that you are genuinely interested in understanding their point of view.
5. Ask clarifying questions: If you’re unsure about something the other person has said, ask clarifying questions to ensure that you understand their perspective correctly.

By practicing active listening, you can help to promote understanding and connection between people. It can also help to reduce miscommunication and misunderstandings, which can improve relationships and promote more effective communication over time.

6) Validate their feelings.

Acknowledge your partner’s feelings and show that you understand where they are coming from, even if you don’t agree with them.

Validating someone’s feelings is an important part of effective communication, as it helps to create a safe and supportive space for sharing thoughts and emotions. When you validate someone’s feelings, you acknowledge and accept their emotions, even if you may not necessarily agree with them. This can help to build trust and strengthen relationships, as it shows that you are empathetic and supportive.

Here are some tips for validating someone’s feelings:

1. Listen actively: When the other person is speaking, listen actively and try to understand their perspective. Avoid interrupting or dismissing their feelings, and show that you are genuinely interested in understanding their point of view.
2. Acknowledge their emotions: Let the other person know that you understand and accept their emotions, even if you may not necessarily agree with them. You can say something like, “I can see that you’re feeling upset about this, and that’s understandable.”
3. Use empathetic language: When responding to the other person, use empathetic language that shows you understand and care about their emotions. For example, you can say, “I can imagine how difficult that must be for you” or “I’m sorry that you’re feeling that way.”
4. Avoid minimizing or dismissing their feelings: It’s important to avoid saying things like, “It’s not that bad” or “You shouldn’t feel that way,” as this can make the other person feel dismissed or unheard.
5. Offer support: Once you’ve validated the other person’s feelings, offer your support and let them know that you’re there to help them in any way you can. This can help to strengthen the relationship and build trust over time.

By validating someone’s feelings, you can help to create a supportive and trusting environment for communication. This can lead to more productive and effective conversations over time.

7) Be open to compromise.

Work together to find a solution that works for both of you. Compromise may be necessary to reach a resolution that satisfies both parties.

Being open to compromise is an important part of effective communication, particularly when you’re trying to work through a difficult or complex issue with someone. When you’re open to compromise, you’re willing to consider different perspectives and find a solution that works for everyone involved. This can help to promote understanding and cooperation, even in challenging situations.

Here are some tips for being open to compromise:

1. Identify common goals: Before starting a conversation, try to identify the common goals or interests that you share with the other person. This can help to establish a sense of collaboration and promote a more open-minded approach to finding a solution.
2. Consider different perspectives: Try to consider the other person’s perspective and be open to hearing their ideas and concerns. This can help to build trust and show that you value their input.
3. Look for areas of agreement: Once you’ve identified common goals and considered different perspectives, look for areas of agreement between the parties. This can help to build momentum and establish a foundation for finding a compromise.
4. Brainstorm potential solutions: Brainstorm potential solutions that could address everyone’s concerns and goals. Be creative and open-minded, and encourage the other person to do the same.
5. Be willing to give and take: Remember that compromise requires both parties to be willing to give and take. Be prepared to make some concessions in order to find a solution that works for everyone involved.

8) Focus on the problem, not the person.

Remember that the problem is the issue, not your partner. Focus on finding a solution to the problem, not attacking the person.

Focusing on the problem, not the person, is an important part of effective communication, particularly when working through difficult issues with someone. When you focus on the problem rather than the person, you can maintain a more objective perspective and avoid getting caught up in personal attacks or blame.

Here are some tips for focusing on the problem, not the person:

1. Use “I” statements: When discussing the issue, use “I” statements to express how the problem is affecting you, rather than blaming the other person. This can help to keep the focus on the problem and promote a more constructive dialogue.
2. Avoid personal attacks: Even if you’re feeling frustrated or angry, avoid making personal attacks on the other person. Stick to discussing the problem at hand and avoid bringing up past mistakes or unrelated issues.
3. Stay focused on the issue: When discussing the problem, try to stay focused on the issue at hand. Avoid getting sidetracked by irrelevant details or tangents, and keep the conversation focused on finding a solution.
4. Look for common ground: Even if you have different opinions on the issue, look for areas of agreement or common ground. This can help to establish a sense of collaboration and promote a more constructive dialogue.
5. Be open to feedback: Listen to the other person’s perspective and be open to their feedback. This can help to build trust and promote a more productive conversation.

By focusing on the problem, not the person, you can maintain a more objective perspective and avoid getting caught up in personal attacks or blame. This can help to promote a more constructive dialogue and lead to more effective solutions to challenging issues.

9) Seek professional help if necessary.

If the situation becomes too difficult to manage on your own, consider seeking the help of a professional counselor or therapist.

Seeking professional help is an important step in effective communication, particularly when dealing with complex or difficult issues. While some problems can be resolved through open and honest communication, there may be situations where additional support or guidance is needed.

Here are some situations where seeking professional help may be necessary:

1. Relationship problems: If you’re experiencing challenges in your relationship that you’re unable to resolve on your own, it may be helpful to seek the assistance of a couples counselor or therapist. These professionals can provide you with tools and strategies to improve communication and strengthen your relationship.
2. Mental health concerns: If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health issues, it may be necessary to seek the assistance of a mental health professional. These professionals can help you to identify underlying issues and provide you with strategies to improve your mental health and well-being.
3. Substance abuse issues: If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, it may be necessary to seek the assistance of a substance abuse counselor or treatment program. These professionals can provide you with support and guidance to overcome addiction and establish healthy coping mechanisms.
4. Legal issues: If you’re dealing with legal issues, it may be necessary to seek the assistance of a lawyer or legal professional. These professionals can provide you with guidance and representation to navigate complex legal issues.
5. Workplace conflicts: If you’re experiencing workplace conflicts that you’re unable to resolve on your own, it may be helpful to seek the assistance of a mediator or conflict resolution professional. These professionals can help you to improve communication and find solutions that work for everyone involved.

Seeking professional help, you can get the support and guidance you need to navigate complex or difficult issues. This can help to promote understanding, cooperation, and effective communication in even the most challenging situations.

10) Take care of yourself.

It is important to take care of yourself emotionally and physically during this time. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family, practice self-care, and set healthy boundaries to protect your own emotional wellbeing.

Taking care of yourself is an important part of effective communication. When you’re feeling stressed, tired, or overwhelmed, it can be difficult to communicate effectively with others. By taking care of yourself, you can improve your overall well-being and enhance your ability to communicate clearly and effectively.

Here are some tips for taking care of yourself:

1. Practice self-care: Take time to practice self-care activities such as exercise, meditation, or spending time in nature. These activities can help to reduce stress and promote mental and physical well-being.
2. Get enough sleep: Make sure you’re getting enough sleep each night to feel rested and refreshed. Lack of sleep can negatively impact your mood, energy levels, and ability to communicate effectively.
3. Eat a balanced diet: Eating a balanced diet that includes a variety of healthy foods can provide your body and mind with the nutrients they need to function optimally.
4. Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries around your time, energy, and relationships. This can help to reduce stress and promote a more balanced approach to life.
5. Practice stress management: Learn and practice stress management techniques such as deep breathing, visualization, or yoga. These techniques can help you to better manage stress and stay focused on your communication goals.

Taking care of yourself, you can improve your overall well-being and enhance your ability to communicate effectively with others. This can help you to build stronger relationships, achieve your goals, and navigate complex or challenging situations with confidence and clarity.

If your partner gets defensive when you express your feelings, it can be challenging to communicate effectively. It’s important to remember that defensiveness is a common response to conflict, particularly when people feel attacked or criticized.