Is it okay for my boyfriend to hit me?
If you’re looking to see if it’s normal for your boyfriend to hit, you’ve come to the right place
This is a common search term so I want to cover it here and as the answer might seem obvious there’s a little bit more to it
So right off the top when somebody is emotional this is when physical abuse comes out the most. He feels like he needs to punish you to get his point across.
He might feel threatened by anything so he needs to teach you some sort of lesson.
if your guy is hitting you, he wants to be in control which is obviously wrong because conflicts and disagreements are a natural part of relationships.
He is not able to listen and communicate effectively in order to get his point across so he resorts to the one thing that he thinks will work physical violence or abuse.
If somebody is physically violent or abusive towards you they are trying to tell you that their opinion and thoughts and feelings matter more than yours because they just want to feel right.
what people will do when they do this is trying to rationalize why they did it deep down they know it’s wrong, but they will come up with excuses as to why they do it
if somebody is hitting you, they do not respect you. They do not respect your boundaries.
Now here’s the difficult truth about being in a physically abusive relationship. it usually doesn’t happen once it continues over and over again.
if you never leave him which is the ultimate form of saying no more then he will just continue to do it. people don’t normally change unless they are forced to change. He has developed the idea in his head that is OK to hit people and if you keep going back, he’s not learning anything.
Remember it’s about control and he wants to be in control of you. he is afraid to relinquish control to you which is unhealthy.
A relationship like this won’t change and even if it does even if he does it’s still too much time wasted on somebody who doesn’t respect you or respect your boundaries
people who love you won’t physically hurt you they are afraid that you will leave, or they might be afraid that you have some sort of control over them. since men are mostly bigger and stronger than women, they will use that to impose their will and take control.
The true strength of a man is being able to relinquish that control knowing fully that he is a strong, capable, and centered man.
Men who are like this don’t physically hit people because men that are strong understand these five principles
- boundaries
- communication
- compromise
- respect
- trust.
in my opinion, these five things are what makes a relationship successful. when any of these are broken a relationship can’t be successful.
if he’s physically abusing you, he is breaking trust, respect, and boundaries.
Is it okay for my boyfriend to hit me?
It definitely not OK for your boyfriend to hit you no matter what you say or do. that being said make sure to not cross any lines intentionally.
let’s say for example that he wants you to do the dishes. and you’re busy working on something else. So, he decides to hit you?
I understand that that’s not how it usually goes but it’s absolutely absurd for somebody to strike you because they want you to do something or not do something
if they feel like you need to work on something they can communicate that to you effectively without striking you
I get hitting is something that people do when they have no control and want to physically control somebody.
Communication is a two-way street. when my wife and I talk we bring up the main point and sometimes I must do more work than her and sometimes she has to do more work than me. if you can’t meet a conclusion, it’s a lot easier to have bite-size goals and work together to reach that conclusion.
Is it okay for my boyfriend to hit me?
I’ve been with my wife for eight years at the time of writing this article and have never needed to hit her for her to listen to something I’m saying.
Powerful people don’t need to demonstrate that they are powerful most of the time. a powerful man knows how to get his message across without physical violence toward his woman.
unhealthy people think that violence is passion. some people even think that it’s love which is Bullshit.
it’s common for women to lose their identity in a physically abusive relationship. what ends up happening is they become identified with that relationship which makes it hard for her to leave.
sometimes women will put up with men who abuse them for many years. these women will think of the good times with him and think that they can somehow get him to be like that more often. but that is walking on eggshells all the time completely anxiety-ridden. that is no way to have a relationship.
I heard from a great coach “you must love in a way that the person that you love feels free”
An eggshell relationship is no way to have a relationship. you can’t even fully express your opinions or thoughts without having to worry about your man hitting you.
relationships grow from the good and the bad. overcoming obstacles is what makes human beings individually grow which makes relationships grow. relationships are just two individual humans sharing time together and going through pain can help people grow.
I’ve had arguments with my wife before where I was wrong, and I learned something. the same thing goes for her.
Talk to people around you they may tell you strange things like “stay together for the kids”. Hearing this you may think yeah that’s a good idea.
children need to see what love looks like between their parents. kids learn from watching you. have you ever noticed how often kids will blatantly repeat something that you just said?
this is where the idea of monkey see monkey do comes in. so many people are growing up thinking that physical, emotional, and mental abuse is normal that they go into relationships expressing that behavior as they grow up.
one of my ex-girlfriends was extremely emotionally abusive and I stayed with her for far too long. she came from a broken home, and she thinks it’s normal to speak and act that way toward her significant other
That’s where it’s important for you to evaluate yourself and your self-esteem
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Self esteem
This may be hard to digest and swallow but if you are emotionally healthy you won’t choose to stay with a physically abusive man.
the relationship may start out without physical abuse of course and that’s something that you don’t see coming but continuing to stay with somebody that hurts you is on you now.
now, this goes without saying that you fear he will hurt you more if you decide to leave. I understand that some women are trapped in their relationships and can’t get out.
to this, I will say seek as much help as you can and try as hard as you can to get away from him permanently.
Your health is the most important thing that you have. it’s something that we all need to work on constantly especially if you have low self-esteem.
Any woman who is reading this please know Everything will be OK if you make the right choices and sometimes those choices are very hard in the beginning but will reward you later. No man that hits you is worth staying for.
putting yourself first
women who successfully leave a relationship with an abusive man understand that they need to put themselves first eventually. like I said earlier your health is the most important thing that you have.
if you have children with this man you have to think of the children and yourself before him.
He hit me because of something I did
Sometimes men think that they need to hit their women because their woman was talking to another guy, disrespecting him, etc.
I have personally seen men get abusive with a girl at a bar because that girl was talking to another man at the bar. the bouncers did intervene just to be clear.
what I’m saying is it does not matter what you did or didn’t do you don’t deserve to be hit.
a man who hits is somebody who can’t control his emotions. strong men know how to control their emotions. weak men act on impulse and right now the world is full of weak men.
don’t forget when somebody crosses your boundaries you must leave the relationship quickly.
my wife would never stay with me if I hit her. she has that much respect for herself and her safety. this is one of her boundaries and one I cannot cross. if I cross that boundary, I understand that the relationship is in jeopardy.
One of the biggest issues we face today is blaming the external world and others for the decisions that we make. For example, he might say “you made me hit you”
I coach many people and anytime you blame the external world for your problems you will suffer. There is a great book by Jocko willink called extreme ownership.
It’s a fantastic book because it teaches you about how to take responsibility and ownership in your life and improve yourself at the same time.
you don’t want to be with anybody that refuses to take responsibility for their actions, especially a man. men are physically bigger and stronger, and men need to be able to control themselves even more.
Throughout my coaching, I have seen women walk away from abusive men before and this is where the turning point comes.
As I said earlier people do not change unless they are forced to and since those women were willing to leave those men behind that’s when those men decided to change their ways. some of them were successful and some of them were not I am still in contact with most of my students. they will frequently check in with me to let me know how things are going.
what if I deserved it
some women have said this to me in the past “what if I have deserved this hit ’cause I have said or done something so bad”.
I will usually respond by saying why did you think that you should have done that in the first place. especially to somebody who is already abusing you and you do something to get them to abuse you more.
at the end of the day no matter what you said or did if it was bad enough and he was not happy about it and can’t get over it he should just leave you.
Remember healthy men and healthy women have healthy boundaries and healthy self-esteem. if you said or did something to extremely offend them it doesn’t warrant a hit because the best way to “punish” somebody is to remove yourself and your presence.
healthy people remove themselves from a toxic environment or situation.
What If he wants to do therapy
OK let’s say for example he wants to do therapy after he hit you one time or maybe even a few times. he is extremely apologetic and really wants to change.
this is completely up to you, and I would caution you to watch every step he takes and be very careful and have a very strict boundary, and if it is crossed you leave.
don’t give him chance after chance because he will continue to think that it is OK to continue to abuse you.
Don’t give a timeline or anything like that but I would say be strict and stern about your boundaries.
over the years of coaching that I have done, I don’t see a lot of people change. however, I have seen some people change and it can work out for you, but you have to decide what’s best for you.
Does he love me if he hits me?
The legitimate question is because a lot of women that are in abused relationships just want to be loved. some of them will think that the abuse is a form of love and care. it’s not.
Abuse and causing pain and hurt is not love. they may love parts about you, and you may love parts about them but hurting you is not love. love is freedom. my wife for example is completely free to choose whatever she wants to do. I do not control her, nor do I seek to control her. this is where trust in a relationship comes in. if I found out she was doing something shady I would leave.
A lot of women actually don’t love themselves enough to leave the relationship and they will often say “I love him too much to leave him”
It is your job to look after yourself and love yourself enough to invite someone in that loves you for who you are.
Remember freedom is love, not control.
